Remind me to ask my daughter

Taking care of small things leads to great things right?  This is how the saying goes. So, remind me to ask my daughter whether she feels cared for.  Does she get the feeling that the love and care she is experiencing encouraged her and leads her toward greatness?  Is my time With her and even away from her still encouraging to her?  When I am away, I think of you constantly. It must be a mother's instinct to think "oh hey, my daughter will love this thing" or "I should totally send her this video".  My heart is always for her.  A vital and visceral need to know that all of the best that I have can be hers and things that are great and have not even yet been conceived that bring good to people's lives can also be hers.  A prayer constantly lives in my heart for her that the evil in this world will not touch her or bring her to destruction but rather brush by for observation, a lesson, growth.  Is it too much to ask that my girl have all the good the world has to offer and then create more good for the world in the process?  I believe in that possibility.  I believe in that truth of abundance of good. Remind me to tell my daughter

Remind me to ask my daughter

Please Live

Remind me to tell my daughter...

 to live for herself and make the decisions that seem right to her rather than make any to please me.  It is so tempting for us as parents to want to be pleased by our children's decisions and to take pride in the fact that they did what we wanted, better known as "the right thing".  Here's the problem.  Every single adult woman I know who has spent most of her life doing things that please mom, are miserable and uncertain about who they are or what they want.  Perfect example: me!  I am not miserable, for now, but I have found myself recently thinking that perhaps my mother's ideas are better than mine.  Of course there is the logic that she has lived longer and would have the perfect perspective on what I would want life to look like for the next 10-20 years.  The problem is that it's her vision, not mine. My darling mother has decided that much of my current life is unstable and insecure, so she wants me to be with a good male friend of mine who has great financial security and move to a great house in a great neighborhood.  All really alluring ideas for a single mother who, quite frankly, might be with anyone willing to take over this damn job!  The only trouble is the passion, drive and fire behind this brilliant brew is not mine and if I drink the potion (no witch puns intended toward my darling mother), I will have no person to blame but me.  I cannot blame the kids, the man, the home or my mother. So simply put, if it ain't your idea for your life and you think it will please lots of other people, DON'T DO IT! Live well in your way and let the others drink their own concoctions.

Enough with Being Late!

Remind me to tell my daughter...

That she will always, unequivically lose respect for lateness.  There is something very real about the effect of being late that trumps everything: talent, poise, beauty, strength, wisdom, brilliance and more. I have been late, alot.  I know that it has caused me to lose some respect. When I am late, even slightly late, I get judgement placed on my dance card of life that can only be erased after multiple on time dances.  The equation is about 1 late = 5 earlys, because the truth is ontime isn't even good enough.  Early is the only acceptable time.  It hurts when I am late because a few of my confidence pegs are automatically knocked out from under me.  I have been late for my classes (that I teach), my appointments with students, friends, family.  I also know that I hate when others are late for me!  The irony.  So here is what's going to happen.  I have practiced this most recently and it absolutely works.

  1. If you are in the space where a meeting will happen within 30-40 minutes, DO NOT LEAVE THAT SPACE! If you go anywhere, you will be late. EXCEPTION: You can go to a near by bathroom.

  2. If you give somebody a time that you will be there and you haven't left 20-30 minutes before that time, call them and reset the time for 30 minutes later!  Then you are still on your way, but won't be late.

  3. If you have to be in a place at an absolute time, have a conversation with your brain and body.  Tell them (brain and body) that they will be there 15 minutes before that time which probably means you leave 30 minutes before that time and get there early! Adjust minutes into hours as is necessary to accomodate for distance.

  4. When making an appointment with anyone, make sure you have their phone number or email address to alert them of the need to adjust the time.

Make no mistake about it, I know, when you are late regularly or even more than once, you will feel the funky looks and the snickers and the silent judgement that you cannot erase. You are too talented, too gorgeous, too important to be viewed as less valuable because of your inability to manage your time.

Don't mistake my kindness for foolishness

Remind me to tell my daughter to be nice, but not a fool.

I gave my students the opportunity to meet with me in the dininghall on campus during one of our classes in the week to take advantage of the extended breakfast time and to meet without the pressure of rushing.  We have done this twice thus far and it's been fun; however there is a clear hazard that comes with the choice.  Our second class of the week takes place on Thursdays and is in the formal classroom.

Why the Bad Boys?

Remind me to tell my daughter that she will like the bad boys first.  She will be intrigued by their veneer and impenetrable spirits.  Their portrayal of confidence will draw her to want to know what they are all about and why, whether popular or not, they seem to need nobody at all. We like the hunt as much as we like being hunted and when the prey is not easy to catch, the desire to conquer grows.  Remind me to tell her that this is all natural, hot and exciting, but ever so fleeting.  I know this won't really matter in the beginning, but with just a couple of heartbreaks, then, perhaps it will.  The questions will begin: What is it about me?  What did I do? I know I loved him. Here is the catch: the game leaves no room for love.  Every time I have felt the quick and sharp sting of excitement when the hottie looks this way, and I followed through with a subsequent meeting; I signed the dotted line.  It's the contract for the high-impact, short lived relationship.  Always.  We, women, have the right of first refusal.  We have the ability to pause the contractual agreement and talk, ask questions and  examine.  It is only in this holding pattern that we may begin to read the contract more carefully and then decide with clarity whether this will be worth signing for fun sake or signing for the heart's investment.  Remind me to tell my daughter that it is always and forever will be ours to choose.

Humanity at its best.

So,remind me to tell my daughter that we all can meet another's needs if we bother to identify it. This weekend, I went to a great conference for independent school educators of color called the People of Color Conference.  There were some great moments and some less than exciting ones like when the workshop on "teaching kids through revolution" was done by a smart Egyptian-American woman who was bent on making her audience cringe at their stupidity. We were ignorant about specific members of the Egyptian community who had played a part in starting or forwarding the revolution.  She was like: "Do you know who Khaled so and so was?" Silence, silence, looking around.  "Anyone? anyone!?!?!"  (you stupid Americans who call yourselves teachers) And there we sat in sunken shame knowing we weren't worthy of the budget allocated to send us to be professionally developed.  But there were also amazing moments like when three highly enlightened while educators from New York City talked about teaching and encouraging their white colleagues to embrace white as an identity rather than as "no-race" or worse "normal in comparison to colored".  That was mind-blowing and I sat in awe of all the white faculty members in the room who were willing to go on that journey.  But the highlight of the conference for me had nothing to do with workshops and everything to do with a simple, personal decision.  After leaving the final workshops and traveling to the airport (scared to death that I wouldn't get there two hours early).  I sat with my Latino teaching colleague.  He talked to me about his concern for students whose  Latino parents cannot begin to understand the tough college race their children are in.  He described the loss they were at because of their inability to understand or speak English.  I thought I understood and could appreciate the socio-economic difference and maybe even the cultural differences, but he brought me to see the depth of investigation needed to serve the English as second language population of students as fairly as all other students.  He discussed the complete "foreign-ness" of the journey to college acceptance for some families.  Traveling to visit schools the summer of Junior year is unheard of considering expense, time and accessibility.  What school can explain and describe the importance of the college process and its steps for any population of immigrant families for whom English is a second language or not  a functional language?  Is it okay to have them as part of our school's population and leave them out even if they cannot articulate or are unaware of their specific needs? Well, my colleague then told me that he identified the need for one of his Latino students and made a decision.  He, with parent's approval, took the student on college tours to help prepare for this daunting journey.  No pay, no requirement, just meeting a need that spoke to his heart.  That hit me.  That brought me to appreciation and almost tears.  What if, what if we all did what we could to meet the needs of the needy that spoke directly to our own hearts?  Not everyone's needs, but the few, specific ones we knew we were able to help with.  My God. So, remind me to tell my daughter that we all can do that.  That these are the small acts that define humanity at is best and are worthy of admiration, awe and respect.